Parry Hotter

Long ago and far away in a distant galaxy, I totally set myself up. The babies were in 3rd and 5th grades when the first HP movie came out. They were so very excited, so the mama took them out of school so as to hit the VERY first showing in Austin.

Fast forward six years, through five (now six) midnight book-release parties and three (now four) more first-show movies, and you’ve got one very wooly mama.

Actually it all started out fine — with plans to hit the midnight showing of HP5 at the Alamo.  Then the group grew to include “everyone that went with us last time Mama” plus the children of parents who would be sanely snoozing in their beds when the opening credits rolled.  So, yeah.  Fifteen tickets.  Six fourteen-year-old girls; four sixteen-year-old boys; one college kid; and four adults.

Of course we all dressed up (and made props for the rest of the crew) — I was Moaning Myrtle, complete with pigtails, white skin, and horn-rimmed glasses.   The BBE was the funniest as Mad-Eye, with a special googaly eyeball.

Hermione, Luna, Cho (don’t ask), and the Littlest as Jenny.

And a special dark-haired Rita Skeeter.

A good time was had by all (especially me, since I had a DD and cold beer).

On to the final book release:  for the last five we’ve been at the BookPeople party with another family.  But my mom called in May to invite the Littlest and me to Santa Fe, along with my sister and niece — only glitch is the weekend (same as the book release).  Littlest was hyperventilating, until I pointed out that Santa Fe also has book stores.

All the smaller bookstores said they wouldn’t get copies until a few days after the release (and how wrong is that?) so I reserved two books at Border’s.

Fast forward six weeks, and we’re in Santa Fe, and Border’s has lost our names.  They remember me calling from Austin — but they don’t have our ‘reservation’.  So they tell me to show up the morning before the midnight release at the crack of dawn to be first on the waiting list.  We show up, get purple bracelets, and hear their plan:  those who have reservations are also getting bracelets.  The first 150 to show up that morning received orange bracelets, the next 150 blue, and on down through three more colors before — finally — the lowly purples (and what’s up with that?  “Lowly Purple” just ain’t right).

Their ‘plan’ is to call in the people by color group, starting at midnight with the oranges, to sell the books.  Yes, SELL the books.  Because pre-sales are something Border’s just can’t handle.

We head to the opera that night (La Boheme — it was great), then the two girls and I head straight to Border’s and get there right after midnight.  There’s no party.  Nothing going on in the parking lot (though a party was advertised — and apparently some folks had been around the whole time).  Everyone and their dog was crammed in the store.  We’re talking major claustrophobia here.

To call it a clusterfuck is putting it WAY lightly.  Seriously, this was the most poorly-organized event I’d been to since The Police played at SouthPark Meadows.

I would share some of my text messages from the next three hours,  but the language police might show up.  Here it is in redux: 800 books are handed out in three hours, averaging 4.4 a minute — not bad until the 15 checkers are factored in.  Add the group of complete fucktard teenagers who were behind us — the boys trying to talk to my girls — which Littlest and her cousin never picked up on because they were a.) comatose and b.) being called ‘Girl with the Hair’.  Finally the girl with the got fussy and picked up a “What if” book, which she proceeded to read aloud from for the next thirty minutes.  Really great stuff, like “Would you drive over a pillowcase full of kittens if you got bunch of money for it” and “would you give up some of your height to increase your enis-pay size”.  We’re talking total charm-school material here.

Finally we got the lovely books, and made it into bed by 3:30 a.m.

So here’s the good news:  first, I love Parry Hotter.  Second, if anything is every this big again — my kids are going to be waiting in line(s) with their kids.  Last, my babies were all very happy — and I got some huge Mama Brownie Points.